|THE MUMMY (1932)|
Deep down, we all enjoy watching a good horror film, don't we? We may not admit to it, but we do. I'm not the biggest fan of modern horror films because I find them predictable and cheesy, but as far as classic horror films are concerned, I'm a pushover. I love them. I love them in black and white, with a tall imposing figure dressed up as the villain, and I love the atmosphere that seems to pour off the screen.
So, let's say that some almighty power took me from my current lackadaisical life and dropped me into one of my very favourite classic horror films - what would happen? Well, first of all, I would be incredibly happy knowing that at any moment I would get to meet either Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff or Vincent Price! But then, once it dawned on me that these legendary villains would rather kill/eat/encase-me-in-wax rather than make small talk with me I'd be pretty fucking scared (sorry, but the occasion called for swearing).
Chances are, each one of them would attempt to kill me within the first five minutes of me inhabiting their world. How would I protect myself? I would need some kind of survival kit; something that I could carry with me wherever I went to ensure not only my survival but my safety and peace of mind. Here's what I'd take with me on my adventure through classic-horror-film-land:
- A neck guard (kind of like a chastity belt, but for the neck) // There is no way I'm letting the Prince of Darkness (i.e. Dracula) anywhere near my neck. But if he should hypnotize me and make his way closer and closer to my jugular vein, this neck guard would stop him. I would give the key away to someone I trust and have them hide it from me, that way I couldn't reveal its hiding place whilst under the influence of Dracula's hypnotic powers. There'd be no way for him to bite me! Bam bosh thank-you, job done!
- My Mom // Because everyone needs (and wants) their Mommy there with them in a frightening situation. Depending on the size of my survival kit, I don't even know if she'd be able to fit inside, but for the sake of this post (and my life) I'm going to make her fit. No one messes with my Mom - it's a known fact. I can just see it now: a villain approaches me with ill intentions and all of a sudden my Mom steps between him and me, injecting herself into the fray, brandishing either a slipper or a wooden cooking spoon (an Italian mother's weapon of choice) with deadly precision. Just one look from her would have him running in the opposite direction and cowering in a field somewhere, praying for death. Side note: this actually happened to both me and my older sister growing up. Like I said before, no one messes with my Mom.
- A trusty sidekick // My Paddington Bear comes everywhere with me and if I'm about to come face-to-face with an evil villain, you better believe Padds is gonna be right there with me. A woman needs a source of comfort especially when placed in a tricky or deadly situation. Perhaps if I was being chased through the streets by a madman he would think twice about harming me when he saw how much I depended upon my adorable and fuzzy inanimate sidekick. Said villain would probably take pity on me, no? Well, it's worth a try anyway.
- Kitchen provisions (i.e. spices, garlic, butcher knives, and tomato sauce) // How does one ward off a vampire? Throw bags of garlic at him and run like hell. How does one kill a villain in one stroke? Stab him in the neck with a butcher knife. And how does one survive in a foreign land where there is absolutely no authentic Italian tomato sauce to be found? Bring your own! This one's pretty self explanatory so I'll just stop right here and move on to the next item ...
- A jar of Vaseline // Poor old Boris Karloff. He always played villains/misunderstood creatures with horribly dry skin (i.e. Frankenstein's monster, The Mummy). Maybe if someone had taken the time to apply some ointment to his epidermis, his villains wouldn't have been so fucking angry and malicious all the time. The key to surviving one of his classic horror films was creating a spa-like atmosphere, one in which the man could get a facial and seaweed body wrap. Bam bosh thank-you, another crisis averted!
- A disposable four-bladed razor and a makeup kit // Not for me, silly - for the Wolf Man and Erik, the Phantom of the Opera! Give the Wolf Man a good, clean shave and he'll be forever in my debt. Makeover Erik with some heavy coverage foundation, some blusher, and a flattering shade of lip balm and he'll be putty in my hands. The thing with classic movie villains is that they were just misunderstood most of the time. If people took the time to really understand why they were so emo and moody, chances are, the 'villains' would have stopped terrorizing their public and would have successfully integrated themselves into 'normal' society.
Right! I'm pretty sure I've covered all my bases - and if I didn't, well, you're all invited to my funeral. Like I mentioned earlier: classic horror villains are tricky. They're not just crazed serial killers like the dudes in modern horror films are. No, classic film villains are multifaceted, depressed, and largely misunderstood human beings (well, not always human, I admit). Still, if thrown into their worlds you'd definitely need to make sure that you were properly equipped to handle the chill-inducing situations you'd inevitably find yourself in and for that very reason, you'd need to take with you a handy-dandy survival kit. My question to you is this: what would you pack in yours?
This post was sponsored by the lovely people over at Man Crates - Gifts For Men.